The
flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border
into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican
presidential campaign
is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they'll
soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the
Constitution.
Canadian
border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and "green"
energy proponents
crossing their fields at night.
"I
went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage
borders North Dakota. "He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged
me for a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have
any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In
an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences,
but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that
blared Rush Limbaugh
across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and
kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who
meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars,
and drive them across the border, where they
are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
"A
lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an
Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single
bottle of Perrier
water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice
little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips. When liberals are
caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they
fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.
Rumors
are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps
where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the
Constitution, and find
jobs that actually contribute to the economy.
In
recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the
border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to
buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in
blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping
buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and
Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in
the '50s.
"If
they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we
become very suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian
citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an
organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD's,
and are
overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their
cell phones.
"I
really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just
can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. " We've already done our
share taking
in Babs, Sharpton, Whoopee, and a slew of other Hollywood types at
their new commune up here. Besides all that, how many art-history majors
does one country need?
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